through it all
by hooklineandsinker
Summary: "she can't breathe and the room is closing in on her and there's nothing she can do except breathe and breathe slower, deeper, calm down love, you're okay, you're fine, just breathe, and she can hear his voice and it hurts so much to even think about him-" post-last rites, outlaw queen.
**So...**

 **I wrote this a day or two after watching Last Rites but kept putting off uploading this because I didn't feel like it was ever good enough. Now I figure, might as well just put it up.**

 **So here, hope you guys like this... I'm rather uncertain about this. Hope you like it.**

* * *

She hasn't left her house in a week.

Storybrooke is shaken with grief, but none as badly as Regina. The town hasn't seen her in a week, and quite frankly speaking, they need their mayor.

On day 9 of her self-inflicted isolation, she decides that it's time to start moving, to do something, _anything_ at all. She shuffles into her bathroom and looks in the mirror and _god_ she looks awful - stringy hair, bloodshot, puffy eyes, with the pallid complexion of a woman who hasn't slept in days, who _can't_ sleep because she's cried until she's run out of tears.

Roland's staying with Zelena and Robyn in the meanwhile - she doesn't quite know how to tell the little lad that papa isn't coming back. He is still a child - he hasn't quite grasped the concept of death, and it pains her to think that he would have to experience this.

First Marian, now Robin.

Who else would the cruel world take away from him? What more could they do to strip away his innocence?

* * *

She washes her face and cleans up - it's refreshing and it makes her feel marginally better, even if only for a moment. The next thing she knows, she's walking around the house, cleaning up little bits here and there. Cleaning is borderline therapeutic for her - she can take her mind off of her grievances for a while.

The one room that she absolutely refuses to enter would be her office - it's still too soon and she can still see it all happen in her mind's eye. The shard in Hades' hand and its glow and the way Robin leapt in front of her and the way it pierced into him and how he _stilled_ and collapsed and she watched as the life - the _existence_ \- faded away from his eyes and _it's too much it's too much she can't take it she can't she just can't do this it's too much-_

The thoughts haunt her and she's horrified to find that she's freaking out; she can't breathe and the room is closing in on her and there's nothing she can do except breathe and _breathe slower, deeper, calm down love, you're okay, you're fine, just breathe,_ and she can hear his voice and it hurts so much to even think about him-

She's taking deep, ragged, broken breaths as her eyes well up again, and something in her broken, fragile heart clicks. Regina knows that he would hate to see her like this. Maybe it's time to face her demons. Even if for a moment. She steels herself, and walks to her office, placing a shaking hand on the doorknob.

Walking around the room fills her with so many emotions that she can't even begin to comprehend. She runs her hand along the edges of the furniture; now that she thinks about it, they've had a lot of memories in that room.

It isn't even the thought of him being dead that she can't wrap her head around - it's the very fact that he no longer _exists_. It's one thing to die, but a completely different matter to just… cease to exist.

 _No underworld, no moving on. One minute you exist, and the next, you don't._

How can you go from seeing someone every day and imagining the rest of your life with them to having to come to terms with them being inexistent?

Regina sits down at her desk, trying to settle herself. She's sorting through the drawers on her desk, trying to find something to distract her, when her fingers skim what feels like a piece of paper that she knows wasn't there last she checked she would have remembered putting it there.

An envelope.

She inhales quickly, a stuttered breath that on a normal day, would seem incredibly out of character. Her shaking hands run frantically over the familiar writing of her name, and she flips it over to open it. The tears that she's been holding back threaten to spill over, and when they do, she's determined not to let them spill and smudge the ink of his writing.

 _Hello, my love._

Oh god, she can't do this.

 _If you're reading this then, well, we can guess what's happened. Somehow, I've passed too early, for some reason or another. I know how you are, Regina, and I need you to move forward. If not for me, then for Roland, and my daughter._

 _I need you to know, love, that regardless of what's happened, I never meant to leave you like that. I just hope that I died doing the honorable thing. I am, after all, a man of my word._

 _I know we've had our ups and downs, but that will never change the simple fact that I love you._

 _I love you, and I always will. Thank you for seeing what I saw in you - a second chance and true love. Thank you for being the light, for showing me how to love after Marian. I am forever indebted to Tinkerbell, for showing you the man with the lion tattoo._

 _You've changed my life, Regina, and I can't imagine what my life would have been like without you in it. Thank you for giving me your heart._

 _Regardless of what happens from here onwards - know that I'll always be watching over you. I'll always be with you. You have my heart, just as I had yours._

 _Would you take care of Roland and my daughter for me? Never let my boy forget his father and what he stood for, and please don't let my daughter grow up not knowing who I am. If one day, they tell you that they miss me, tell them that papa is watching them from above, that he loves them and is with them, and that one day (in the far future, I hope), I'll see them again. That is a promise._

 _Love them as you loved me, Regina._

 _I'm always with you._

 _Robin_

* * *

It's later in the day, when Zelena - after dropping Roland and Robyn off with Mary Margaret - finds Regina, clutching at the letter, hysterical, gut-wrenching sobs emitting from her. Her heart breaks at the look of utter devastation on Regina's face, and she has never seemed so small.

It's the look on her face that causes the tears to fall - this _bold and audacious_ queen has never looked so much like a lost girl in all the time that she's known her. She knows that Regina's heart is broken, but likewise, she knows that her heart will mend. It may never be whole again, but it could come pretty damn close. She knows that maybe, the two of them could make it through.

As they embrace, they mourn the loss of a hero, a father, and a loved one. They mourn the man with a lion tattoo, whose bravery showed no bounds. They mourn the man who would have gone to the ends of the earth for his children. Most importantly, they mourn the loss of a man whose unending love for everyone around him transcended his very existence.

 _Your heart will find its way to happiness once more, love, just believe it._

* * *

 _how you love me through_

 _the highs, the lows, the fights, the blows_

 _the hurt, the pain - and every tear that falls like rain_

 _my heart still beats in fire and heat - the rise and fall_

 _somehow you love me through it all_

* * *

 **So. There we go. I'm honestly rather upset with how they killed Robin off - it was out of the blue, unexpected and it felt somewhat uncharacteristic (I can understand how he would do this for the woman he loves but at the same time... I don't know). ((Some part of me really doesn't think he's truly gone for good bc this is OUAT - they've brought how many people back from the dead how many times? But you never know, I'm probably in denial hahaha.))**

 **The song quote at the end is from Through It All by Shawn McDonald - I realize that it's a worship song but I first heard it out of context and that quote really stood out to me - it's all-encompassing love, and isn't what these two have True Love?**

 **Anyway, I never thought that I would write for OQ but this is where my brain went and this is what I produced, so I hope that you all liked it :')**

 **Well, off to watch the finale - RIP my heart.**

 **If you would review to give me feedback to improve, I would love it (and you guys even more)!**

 **xx manda**


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